Day 22, 30 Days – Holy Prognostications!


One of the benefits of writing consistently is that you can actually see the arc of

purpose in your life.  I recommend you try it out even if it means journaling squiggles in the privacy of your own Moleskine rather than blasting it out to the anonymous masses.

I’ll give you a For Instance as to why it can help you see that the path you walk today is the temporary Omega to a series of your Alphas.  See, my post for today is actually an old one.  I’d written it in 2009, long before I’d even heard of Eckhart Tolle or the Buddhist idea of anatta.  It’s light years ahead of my learning to guide people to seeing that they’re not a small, separate thing in a big, wide world.  It came before imagining or my current unemployment stint, and prior to my serious consideration of writing as a full time, paid gig.  And just look at how it lives as a mirror of EXACTLY where I find myself today.

Unbelievably, it starts off with those same two words we’ve been talking about for 21 days.  Yes.  Change and Purpose.

And to think I thought it was all very new.


April, 2009

Your Next Big Idea: You.


Here’s a snippet from a comment left on my last post on how to screw up your next Big Idea:

“How do things change if the purpose of your big idea is *you* and not *the idea*? “

What an excellent question, and my assumption is that the writer is asking about promoting their personal brand. Well, it’s quite obvious from the long hair on my head and the fact that I don’t have my own action figure that I’m no Seth Godin, but I don’t think the rules should be changed one iota whether you are asking strangers to look favorably upon a person, place, or thing.

I’m an advocate of promoting things, Big (and small) Ideas, and even people, by the artful weaving of damned good stories. We already know that storytelling is how we most authentically connect to each other. Advertisers who spend hours crafting even the smallest tagline are attempting to condense an entire story, relying on common knowledge to fill in the rest. Do we give that same energy to our own tagline?

As an experiment, write out the story you tell yourself about yourself when no one is looking. While most of us throw a lot of negative self-talk around, why not indulge in crafting yours out in its entirety, then when you’ve finished your masterpiece run back through the tale and toss out every negative point you’ve made. Take out the part about how you always say something stupid in the meeting, trip on your high heels, or miss the error in your blog post. Remove the lens of clients, family, and friends, because if you look at yourself through their eyes, that’s when you’ll have the tendency to describe what you do in cliches.

Rather than: Senior Database Programmer

You are: Knowledgeable in the craft of finding meaning in random bits of information. Weaver of bytes. Restorer of order from data chaos.

You get the idea.

Take your new story from the reworked positive pieces. This is your forward-facing personal brand.

Use it to tell your new story often, and tell it consistently. Create your blog, dream up your posts, write your 140 character tweets, and pimp your LinkedIn profile with this new tale in mind. Let it go viral whether through word of mouth or your social media bio. Append as your story grows and allow everything you publicly post filter through it. That’s how you live the Big Idea that is You. Now, I’m off to take my own advice.

So, what’s your story? Because that’s the Biggest Idea you’ll ever have.

Read more of my old stories at

Days 19-21, 30 Days – The Web of Bliss


It’s entirely ridiculous that I’ve started a month long project to look for the very ideas we can never escape- Change and Purpose.  In this world, absolutely nothing exists if not for those two things.  We’re swimming in both, as David Foster Wallace said, like Fish in Water.

And yet….

The Big Bang, or whichever single event you choose to credit with the creation of time, is the one directly responsible for your reading these words at exactly this very moment and no possible other.   And I don’t mean that in some abstract way.  I mean that if you could find an Alpha, you’d also find that every single moment thereafter has lead directly and irrevocably to this very one.  And one after another they fall to the Omega point, or the end result, which is now.  And the next now.  It’s absolutely astounding to consider the definition of Purpose in that context.  The universe of which we’re a part, is made of Purpose, endlessly.

So then let’s consider Purpose.  Trace your life events backwards and see that the movement of your eyes across the screen was made possible by the entire sequence of happenings which came before it, arcing all the way back to an explosion of stardust.  If a single thing about the entire history of the universe had gone differently, this moment would not be happening as it is.  Each event brings about the exact causes and conditions which make the next one possible.  And since there isn’t a single trajectory, there is never anything happening in isolation.  Each piece depends upon and influences another in what Buddhists know as an Indra’s Net.  Your grandmother may have walked past your grandfather had any one of untold sequences been altered.  You wouldn’t be here at all.

Consider Change.  Everything I’ve said about Purpose happens through change.  Change and Happenings are actually synonymous, and you can even add the word Time to that.  Time, change, and happenings are what this life is.

So why do we need to create change or find purpose?  Because rather than take a look at the events of reality, we live through concepts and ideas about it.  Once “finding your purpose” or “creating change” gets relegated to a concept, it’s the stuff of unicorns and fairies because concepts can live only within more thought.  It’s never going to become possible to grasp a thought.

We are purpose.


Indra’s Net

“Imagine a multidimensional spider’s web in the early morning covered with dew drops. And every dew drop contains the reflection of all the other dew drops. And, in each reflected dew drop, the reflections of all the other dew drops in that reflection. And so ad infinitum. That is the Buddhist conception of the universe in an image.” –Alan Watts

It’s a wonderful world, really.  Just look.

Day 18, 30 Days- Four Years of Looking


For four years, I’ve volunteered as a sort of online sherpa for folks asking the single most important question we can ever ask ourselves.  This question is very much related to my current 30 day project of finding passion and purpose, but it’s a precursor and it’s time I gave you that backstory.

What I do is to work hand in hand with people as they take a look at who and what they are.  And I never provide answers, just pointers in the form of questions they go off and work with until they find their own answers.  The answers have to come from themselves.  It can’t be any other way.  When found, they report a very fundamental life change.

In 2011, I accidentally stumbled on this type of inquiry while looking for an escape from the anxiety, worry, and pain that was with me daily as I navigated through the medical maze that was my husband’s care.  As you may have read in other posts, we’d been through several significant health challenges over the course of our time together.  Diabetes had led him to three years of blindness, three strokes, at least two incidences of needing to be brought back from near death through CPR, and at the time I began to search for a way to cope with all of this, we faced kidney disease and their inevitable failure.  I was mentally exhausted from years of trying to remain positive through what seemed like a new blow that punched us in the gut every few years.  And I could not even imagine how he felt.

What I realized is that I was very quickly running out of resilience and if I didn’t figure out how to cope with what was to come next… dialysis… the long wait for a donor kidney which might not come… I wasn’t sure what mental state I’d have left.  I was beyond worry for him, and terrified for myself.

I can’t tell you what I googled to get there, but I came upon Byron Katie‘s videos on YouTube.  People in spiritual circles will recognize the name, but at the time I had absolutely no idea about spirituality, enlightenment, or just plain waking up.  And truthfully, I still don’t.  I just know that I’d found a very practical way to take any problem and look at it from a perspective I’d never conceived of.  Suddenly, my world expanded in ways I’m still processing and marveling over.  Yes, it was that significant.

From those videos, I followed the comments and began to understand that there was an entirely different view of the world I’d never been exposed to and neither had any of my friends or family.  How did this happen?  How was it that no one I knew had any idea that we’re not trapped in our circumstance, only in our view of it?

I kept exploring.

What I learned four years ago is now becoming increasingly commonplace.  It used to fall under the realm of spirituality, but that’s a category too limiting because it’s also recognized by neuroscience, philosophy, psychology, and even common sense.   I found that the knowledge belongs to no one, which to me was perfect because that meant that it was free.  There was no possible club to join and nothing to sign up for.  If anything, it gave me complete independence from old and worn rules, paradigms, and ways of thinking and for the first time, I could rely on myself to understand how to navigate the world

Sounds too good to be true, right?  It’s not.  And it’s simple.  It’s also catching on.

By now you probably want me to stop telling you about it and just get to the point.  So I will.  What I learned was how to separate reality from thought about reality.  If that sounds simple, it’s because it is.  Understanding that sentence on an intellectual level is easy, but the actual experience of it is what people like mystic Eckhart Tolle, media mogul Oprah, the Dalai Llama, and neuroscientist Sam Harris carries on about.    Some of these folks make it seem special and difficult, but it’s not.  It’s the most uncommon common sense there is.

Ok, so what’s this have to do with “just looking”?  Everything.  What I practice is looking instead of thinking, especially when I find myself in a difficult situation filled with worry and anxiety.  Because we’ve been trained to process everything through the narration that goes on in our heads, and that narrator is an overlay on what’s actually happening.  What’s actually happening is a lot less frightening and awful than what this narrator understands.

The narrator is absolutely incessant.  It’s imaginary.  And as a prognosticator, it’s almost always wrong.

To separate the events of life from my thoughts about them brings a measure of freedom that’s like yanking a chain metal veil from over my head.  The world that’s exposed after that is more clear, balanced, and rational.   I can cope with setbacks and hardships with a lot more grace.  If that seems like too much of miracle, it’s not.  It’s also work in progress.

There have been several aspects to this way of seeing things:

Looking for rather than thinking about the self.  This lead to the understanding that not only am I not the center of the world, but life flows a whole lot easier when that’s an understanding that is lived.   To examine and find out your own truth about the nature of the self brings a whole lot more ease and even joy.

Looking for rather than thinking about others.  This lead to more compassion and tolerance.  Once I understood how self centered thinking had shaped my view of others, I could relax and not blow up at the guy who cut me off in traffic or the coworker who cc’d the boss on an email meant to call me out.

Looking at rather than thinking about how the world works.  This lead to a better understanding of human dynamics.  Politics, wars, crime… name it and I now have a new and additional perspective on it.

The tool is the same in all three cases, and when liberally applied, changes the view of everything.

Day 19-21 will come on Monday:  Real world examples of what it means to look rather than think about the world, and how all of this ties into ACTUALLY finding passion.  And purpose.  And bliss.

Day 17, 30 Days – Just Look


A kind of confession.

I just can’t seem to write this with SEO and blog traffic in mind.  Not yet.  First, the goal is to write what’s true, then find those with whom it will resonate, shake up, and begin to plant seeds of change.

If you’re reading this now, hi.  You’re in that group, for what that’s worth.

In my last post,  I promised to tell you about some things I stumbled upon which have enabled me to make it through some pretty hairy times, and that keep my equanimity (for the most part).  It’s a work in progress and a tool I promised to share.  It’s also where all of this writing for ImaginedSelf is going.

For simplicity’s sake and to get right to the point, the tool is called “looking”.  And to give you an introduction that’s simple and unencumbered, what that means is looking at the events of reality without the overlay of incessant thinking.  How does it work?  The best example is to explain what’s happened over the last 15 days.

There have been quite a few friends who’ve greeted the news of my job loss with genuine sympathy and concern.  That’s an entirely appropriate response given the circumstance, and is one that comes from their thinking about my thinking about the situation.  It’s a sympathetic response I’m grateful for.  The expectation is that my mind needs soothing, and there may actually come a time when that becomes a real need.  But not yet.  Hang tight.

Right now, I’m housed.  I’m clothed, and I’m not hungry.  What’s more, I have woken up in awe to watch the sunrise over the Atlantic each day, job hunted from several coffee shops, and have gotten more exercise that I ever did while seated in the office.  So far, so good.

It would be easy for me to panic about not yet having gotten my resume to a state I feel is complete, or about putting my life “out there” on a blog.  In some cases, my open communication may even hinder my efforts, but truthfully, if I can’t be who I truly am in the place I spend the majority of my day, then the position is not a match and I don’t belong there at all.  Anyone who employs me deserves my honesty and full commitment as well as 100% of my effort.

To get back to the lack of concern or panic… somehow it’s not happening because over the past few years, I’ve begun to learn how to separate what’s actually happening, from the panic-inducing state of paying attention to what I believe is happening.  I haven’t always understood the difference and have only recently experienced it on a visceral level.  It’s a real and significant difference that’s brought an amazing and elusive thing called “peace of mind”.

What it boils down to is, if I just look at the events of my life , they appear very differently than if I just think about them.  How different?  Absolutely worlds apart.

Looking is about my seeing reality through the lens of actual experience.  Thinking is when I overlay a “what if”.  My understanding the difference is the secret to how I recognize ways to remain “in the now” rather than allowing the mind to spin forward into scenarios it imagines may happen.  Those scenarios rarely do appear but most of the time, they are the fears that steer our lives.  That’s because we’ve been taught to live this way even though it’s not our only option.  It’s simply the unquestioned default.

What I’ve found and want to share, is that it’s possible to dilute or entirely eliminate the fears by continuously looking at the truth of what’s being experienced in any given moment, rather than become blinded by a belief about what’s happening.   To do this well is sometimes a continuous practice until it becomes second nature, and the 30 days of change is a tactic I’m using to keep myself on track.  It’s almost counterintuitive, though, because we’re constantly told to hold fast to our beliefs.  And if we’re talking about ideals, I’d agree.  Hold them close.

But we’re not talking about ideals.

We’re talking about the facts at hand, especially if we’re surrounded by challenges.   It’s about whether we’re are alive and breathing.  Whether we’re hungry.  Whether we’re sheltered and reasonably comfortable.  If we have these things, we have enough to move forward into the next moment with ease.  Each moment of this looking at the facts of our reality can deliver us into the next, one by one.  Collectively, they are the ACTUAL moments that make up our lives rather than those that comprise the imagined state of our lives.   We have been conditioned to live in the latter and forget to pay attention to the former.

I’ve learned that to understand this difference is the key to living with ease.

Day 17:  More on why everything is ok, all the time.  And detailed how-to on “just looking”.

Day 16, 30 Days – Here’s What’s Next

It’s time to shift Life’s Focus.

In the grand scheme of things, while the loss of a job can be devastating, it’s usually manageable compared to the impacts of other life events such as a catastrophic illness or even loss.   Its those transitions which can either shut us down, or open us to change.  What I hoped to accomplish with this #30days project is to further open myself to experiencing the positive nature of change.  I’ve been testing discoveries made in the past few years to see whether they hold.

It was during that time that I began taking a really in depth look at life’s biggest questions, especially as I tried to understand how to better navigate so many times of uncertainty.  While in the middle of my own explorations, I’d been working together with others to do the same, very often while they were also in the midst of huge challenges and even devastating loss.

My biggest takeaway from working with others as well as on my own view, is that there’s absolutely no real formula on to how “fix” life.  There’s only the possibility of a more open and more complete experience of living it through our own lens rather than someone else’s filter or idea of what life IS.  The experience also lead to a discovery that life already has its own ease and “flow”, and that I could just stop trying to swim so hard against it by trying to live up to false ideals that don’t match my actual experience.

2015-06-23 20.11.56-1

The plan here is to freely share that lens.  Before shifting the trajectory of this blog, I wanted to review the past 15 days as they relate to that lens I’ve mentioned.

 1.  We’ve talked about the joy of finding our passion.  It’s a notion that’s incredibly simple and yet elusive. That’s because we don’t recognize ourselves in our own interests and instead keep trying to navigate someone else’s map. I think I’ve pointed out that it’s not our fault that we do this. It’s just a matter of conditioning by well meaning parents and other adults who give us pre-boxed definitions of safe ideas about “success”.  We’ve separated Play time from Work Time and no one has given us permission to blend the two.

2.  We’ve talked about breaking loose from conditioning.  Identifying and breaking unconscious habits is the idea which started this blog.  I wanted a means to loosen patterns I hadn’t realized were ingrained.  This task should become a lifelong pursuit as they’re nearly invisible, but just like all things in the natural world, our lives are made up of them.  A decision to take on a #30daysofchange project is a good start to making us aware of how we move through the world as snails through another’s trail, or ants on a straight line march.

3.  We’ve talked about living boldly.  I hope that along with me, you’ve also discovered ways in which you’ve acted in ways both bold and wild a lot more often than you may have realized.  So, the question is.. how do we regularly tap into that free spirit?  The answer was to find what we do for Love.  And then to follow the impulses that come from love more often than someone else’s map of how life “should be”.
And what about that new lens on the world?

In ways large and small we’re all working through changes, and it seems that we can cycle through self-improvement or coping tactics which work only short term or marginally.  But there’s a way of looking at the world that can help in any situation in order to diffuse a negative impact and bring more ease and peace of mind.  The plan for is to openly share it.

For the second half of these 30 days, I’d like to talk about what I’ve learned as I continue to navigate my own time of change.  I’d also like to share the resources which have helped me so far, and some I’ve created.  Of course, your mileage may vary, but I’m happy to pass it on to you.

When looking for my passion and purpose, I suspected I knew where to find it.  It was only a few years ago that it began to come together, and now that life’s seen fit to make more of my time available, I do believe that it really needs to be paid forward.

Day 15, 30 Days


The Three Lies We Tell Ourselves

Halfway through this mini project, it’s time to take a harder look at how easy it is to pull the wool over our own eyes and bury our heads deep in the sand when it comes to the task of finding our bliss.  Let’s look at how we hide from success and happiness because no one lies to us as well as we lie to ourselves.


Self Lie #1  I’m not up for the challenge

We tell ourselves that we’re not up for the challenge of rushing toward our dream life or job.  In my last post, I put that to rest when pointing out that we often take daring and wild action in the name of love.  This means that when circumstances are in place, the leap is more than easy.  I’ve seen that I can move mountains or leave no stone unturned when it comes to issues surrounding my husband’s health.  And I’m sure you have plenty of examples of your own.  We can put this to rest.


Self Lie #2   I don’t know what I’d really like to be when I grow up.

We do know.  Or, we likely have a very good idea but haven’t thought it a worthwhile pursuit.  Why?  Because we’ve been conditioned to separate “work” from “play”.  Remember when you came home from school and immediately changed into your “play clothes”?  We even had different outfits to separate the two aspects of our day.  It’s no wonder we can fall into believing that we can’t find joy and playfulness in our working world.

If we take a look at our browsing history or book shelves right now, we’d likely have an excellent indicator of the ideas and lifestyles that interest us most.  This would be what we do when we’re in our online play clothes.  Trace an arc right now through your personal history to see how it measures up to your latest browser bookmarks.  A theme should quickly become apparent.  “Which jobs will immerse me in that” is the next question that should come to mind.  Then go put on your sneakers.


Self Lie #3  I’m not as [savvy] [talented] as my friends, family, or colleagues

This one is particularly untrue as well as unproductive.  If we try to measure ourselves by holding to a standard of someone else’s idea of a dream career, we will surely appear to fall short.  But the fact is that those who excel in their careers do so because they are doing the work that’s aligned with their passions and interests.  (I’ve never seen anyone report a lifetime of success gained by hating their work)

We often fail to see this very large detail and instead find ourselves struggling to keep up with the performance of others.   This is also a remnant of our educational system in which we were expected to measure up, equally across all subjects.  I’m not a math whiz and to hold myself to the standards of someone who is, is just self deprecating behavior.  On the other hand, I love to write.  There are plenty of people who just don’t, and would never consider trying to measure their success by judging themselves by how much writing they do.
The Truth About Positive Self Talk

It’s always easy to find positive self talk and yes, I’m all for it.  Every once in a while, though, we need to take a look at how we’ve contributed to our current state and own sense of failure.  It’s not a real failure, just a misfire.  If we can re-align ourselves with the original target woven throughout our history, a personal sense of satisfaction should begin to follow.

We, you and me… are as savvy, talented, and up for the challenge… as anyone else.  If we feel any less than energized by our work, we just haven’t been living fully in our truth.

Discover how the educational system has conditioned us out of pursuing our passion.

“Sir Ken Robinson outlines 3 principles crucial for the human mind to flourish — and how current education culture works against them. In a funny, stirring talk he tells us how to get out of the educational “death valley” we now face, and how to nurture our youngest generations with a climate of possibility. “

Days 12 -14, 30 Days


Only after writing my last post on living with uncertainty did I remember the number of times my husband and I have started life over, from scratch.   This life reboot always followed a significant event which only appeared to be a setback, but the truth is that once the change was made, we found ourselves transformed.  And ready to live a little bit wilder.

The trick was in our definition of Wild.

We’ve been taught that “wild” is a great concept when talking about animals in the natural world.  The words, powerful, strong, and unpredictable come to mind when thinking about a wild thing.  So why does this not seem as true for us?  How can so many of us feel that we don’t already live in a way that’s more powerful or strong?   We have.  And we do.  We haven’t noticed because it happens when we aren’t focused on ourselves.

Take a look.  Chances are very good that you’ve acted from those very ideals without skipping a beat, because while you were doing it, the actions came completely naturally.

We are already powerful and strong

Our parents, if we’ve been lucky enough to have a caring family, largely sheltered us from the unknown.  The trouble with this approach is that many of us became bored within its confines and began to scratch at the sides of the cage even as we shuddered at the idea of taking big risks.   To break loose, we needed to drop of our fixed identities, a move that often meant breaking free of family influence.  We did, and continue to do this whenever we find a “larger cause” that makes it easy for us to leave the familiar behind,  adopt new behaviors, and do the unexpected.  That larger cause most often comes in the form of Love.  Wild and Love are, in many respects, synonymous.  They pull us out of our ideas of ourselves.

In a talk with a friend this weekend, he mentioned that for years, he hadn’t identified his passion and purpose because he’d always associated it with a career.  But, he said, his passion had been in growing and sustaining his relationship with his partner of 19 years.  That is where his energy had gone and because it was True Passion, it was so easy that he’d nearly missed that he’d been living it.  They’d moved thousands of miles away from family to pour all of themselves into growing a strong relationship.  I realized that he was right!  I’d also experienced this through each of Scott’s health hardships.  Yes, it was difficult, but it was also easy.  Simple.  Clear.  We lived through each supposed “setback” with a wild spirit that had us moving headlong into one unplanned adventure after another.  My friends had done the same with blind faith and wild spirits.

Love does this.

Whether we love a career, a partner, our children, or families, the common factor in our feeling purposeful is in seeing our actions as moving toward what we view as a greater Good.

I’ve often thought of words like strong and brave when talking about what looks like unexpected or bold moves.  But within the context of moving in line with our idea of a cause larger than our selves, it becomes an action taken from what feels natural, right, and true.  In this case I seems that there’s no real effort involved.  Maybe you’ve experienced this as a protective mom or dad.  As a partner.  As an animal or pet lover.  As an individual in love with a cause or ideal.

We often live powerfully even when it looks very ordinary.  Even when it means doing the laundry or going to the office job you don’t enjoy.   When it’s done to support genuine love for our ideal, it’s the very definition of passion because we have understood something greater than Us, than we alone, are.

That’s wild.  And powerful.  It’s also self less.

Day 11, 30 Days


Let’s talk about living with Uncertainty because for most of us, it’s the slimy monster that hides under our bed.

I’ve gotten lots of advice as to what to do to live life without a clear path, and through a google search, it’s easy to find tactics and strategies to help us deal with the swirling feeling of having stepped right off the edge of a cliff. The advice can be helpful but before it helps, it can often cause more anxiety than when first losing our footing. Then again, doing nothing at all isn’t very likely to help it dissolve either. Is there an alternative? I think so.

Life on the brink

This morning I looked for a particular entry in journal I’d kept during the days my husband Scott received his kidney and pancreas transplant.  It detailed my state of mind on the day and night of the surgery itself.  I wanted to revisit another time I’d lived with uncertainty, and knew it was my most compelling example.

We’d gotten the call from the hospital at 2am on a Thursday morning, and after packing and making the nearly four hour trip to Tampa, arrived at 7am for check in. It would be another 14 hours before he was wheeled into a surgery expected to last around 6 hours. That brought us to a start time of 9pm Thursday night.

Sitting in the surgical waiting room, the sudden dawning that I was now completely and utterly alone, in a strange city, and during one of the most uncertain days of my life, broke open. To make matters worse, surgery was scheduled to run until 3am Friday morning which meant that over the course of the night, families of patients whose surgery was completed left both me and the room. By midnight, Scott’s name was the only one on the status monitor and a room meant to hold 30 people was empty of everyone but me and my thoughts.  When the last family had stepped out of the room, I became very calm. Time itself had stopped.

And Here’s How I got Back

What happened to bring this state of calm in the midst of so much uncertainty? Well, the only thing I have been able to work out is that I gave in. You can also call it surrender. I became resigned not to a poor outcome, but to the entire process itself, and leaned directly into it. That leaning in meant that I stopped pushing and pulling at life and circumstance. The realization that I had no ability to think him through it, cry him through it, or otherwise influence the outcome brought peace of mind. I understood that we’d done everything we could possibly do to bring this moment about, and had to let go. It was actually a beautiful six hours.

This is Now

This story  has everything to do with my current situation of unemployment. Lots of friends have shown concern as to my possible state of mind but amidst the perfume of ambiguity is a steady state. As long as I do all I can do to find and meet my new path, why not just let go of the rest?   Once all of my tasks have been carried out, what’s left to hang onto but thought, and thought doesn’t change reality.  The key is not to give up or give in but to lean in and fully acknowledge the great big gap in the storyline.

The lesson I’d pass onto anyone  else starting a bold new venture?  Make solid bets on yourself.   Then give yourself permission to lean into the uncertainty, and just let it ride.  

I’ll be back Monday with days 12-14.

Day 10, 30 Days


This is one post which will never be entitled, “How to Network Like a Boss”

Are you one of those people who enjoys the idea of networking?  I don’t know a lot who do except for a couple of friends in sales.  For them, mingling and convincing strangers is something that can result in fast rewards and so the incentive is high.  It’s genuinely what they like to do.

For me, networking has always seemed a bit like a “should” rather than “Yep!  I’m in!” because I’d always looked at it from the position of a fixed and unchanging idea of myself, one I needed to properly package in order to engage the “right” people.

Thankfully, the idea of a fixed sense of self has proven to be false.  In reality, there’s room to move and to play, and to meet the person I’m talking to from a fluid place. Understanding that the idea of who I am has an aspect that is completely malleable has allowed me to more naturally and genuinely engage.  To accomplish this “natural art of networking with ease”, I’ve found that the exchanges should be undertaken with nothing less than my putting one hundred percent of my effort into these two approaches.

Ask, What can I do to help the person I’m engaging?

Though I may have a need for their assistance, my first priority should be to add value to the exchange and the simplest way to do that is to repeatedly look for opportunities to help them accomplish their goals.  Not mine.

Those I want to help most are the people who are already in or connected to the roles I’d like to someday have.  To genuinely engage their interest, I need to take the completely selfless route not by asking for them to give first but instead finding opportunities to offer my assistance.  Because during our conversation, my position will naturally become obvious and more than likely, they will want to reciprocate by seeing my need and being moved toward meeting it.  A good number of people I help will do this and even if they don’t, in assisting them, I’ll likely learn something valuable toward meeting my own goal.  Thinking that I “lose” if  I don’t get something back is short-sighted.  If I’m paying attention, there’s no way to lose.

Engaging with nothing less than authenticity.  

Once I offer assistance, I’d better follow through.  When I think about issues I used to have with the process of networking, one of the most bothersome was with those who over promise and fail to live up to them.  This kind of exchange is rampant and accepted as “part of the game”, but it doesn’t mean that I have to play by anyone else’s rules other than my own.  And in order to enjoy the process, I have to be able to believe that I’ve made an honest effort to remain genuine and not be swayed or drawn in to an egocentric game of networking ping pong.  This isn’t as easy as it sounds because we tend to mirror another’s behavior, especially when meeting someone new.  It takes conscious effort to stay real, but it’s something my future self will thank me for.

These ideas aren’t new, but until I clearly saw the wisdom for myself, they remained a nice theory.

Day 9, 30 Days

Life Lessons from an Amateur Trash Collector


For the past 9 days I’ve snapped and posted a photograph of each day’s sunrise over the Atlantic.   What my photos of the beach never show is the amount of trash that washes up onto the shore.  The glare of the first burst of rays casts a shadow that hides the scene’s ugly bits and pieces.  Tangled within seaweed are bottle caps, plastic ware, lighters, balloons ripped to shreds, clothes hangers, and, water bottles.  The water is often still inside.  It’s apparent that the ocean does not discriminate when giving up its waste, no matter how pristine the beach.

I’ve noticed one man who appears on the same piece of coast, and at the same time each day.  Carrying a plastic bag he makes his way down the shoreline, a few feet at a time, repeatedly stooping over to pick up what others have carelessly discarded. Though groomed and clean shaven, he’s always shirtless, making it obvious that he’s not a uniformed member of the city’s maintenance staff.  There is no paycheck for his efforts.

After the fifth straight day of watching his dogged ritual of clean up after strangers, I wandered over to let him know that I’d noticed and appreciated his work.  He only briefly glanced up at me.  “Yep.”  He chuckled. Then he shrugged shyly, and with more than a little resignation, added. “Somebody’s got to do it.”

Somebody’s got to.

It took me a while to connect the dots, but at some point I realized that he’d offered me a very unexpected lesson on the very two ideas I’d been carrying on about for months.  Because I thought that Passion and Purpose were supposed to point to larger than life ideas, or at least make for a cause worthy of telling your friends, I was blinded to recognizing a perfect example when I saw it.

I should thank this “amateur” collector.  He’s completely reset my idea of what living those two ideas should look like.